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 Comedy Central (English)

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Comedy Central (English) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyMon Jun 22, 2009 5:54 pm

It was Friday morning, and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called \"add to the picture\". The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.

The teacher called on James to start things off.
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Comedy Central (English) 17847089
James returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Ernie next.
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Comedy Central (English) 46810143
Ernie returned to his seat.

Now it was Suzy\'s turn.
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Comedy Central (English) 95432986
Suzy returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.
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Comedy Central (English) 21091999
Jerry returned to his seat.Kim was called to the board.
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Comedy Central (English) 35991716
Kim returned to her seat.
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About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being off center, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty.




So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.
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Comedy Central (English) 18225362
The entire class erupted with laughter... the teacher fainted.


Little Johnny had done it again.


Last edited by jebolution on Mon Jun 22, 2009 7:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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.j0sh
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyMon Jun 22, 2009 5:57 pm

Liit ng mga pictures. =P
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jhaps
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyMon Jun 22, 2009 6:27 pm

wahehehehe...tanggal ang stress... laughing
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Jay
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PostSubject: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyMon Jun 22, 2009 7:09 pm

A BLONDE ONE

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'


The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'


He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'


The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten-dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
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Anonymous


Comedy Central (English) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyMon Jun 22, 2009 7:13 pm

sir Jay, can you transfer here my other message in the tagalog.. its all english kasi eh! smile please! thanks! scratch lol!
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LaNcE
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyMon Jun 22, 2009 7:30 pm

nose bleed.. lol! lol! lol!
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JRacing
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyMon Jun 22, 2009 8:31 pm

wahihihihi... smart lady... wahihihihihi...... lol!
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spy
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 3:49 am

laughing laughing laughing lol!
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street_sweeper
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 4:24 am

lol! lol! lol!
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Anonymous


Comedy Central (English) Empty
PostSubject: SIX AFFAIRS   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 1:44 pm

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Jay
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 1:54 pm

i like the statue guy..
ill think ill do that next time lol
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.j0sh
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 4:55 pm

I vote for the 1st affair +P
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Guest
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Anonymous


Comedy Central (English) Empty
PostSubject: mix jokes   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 6:46 pm

this joke is amix of english and tagalog. confused so i post it here... enjoy

A little girl asked her father:
'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered , 'God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered ,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said ,
'Dad , how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God ,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered ,
'Well , Dear , it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family ,
and your mother told you about hers.'


More Tagalog jokes


REPORTER: Tita Cory , kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon , baka pangulo
na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher , kidnapper , gun for hire ,
gambling lord ,
swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
----------- ----------- ----------- ------------
GIRL: lahat ng politiko , kawatan!
MAN: sakit mo naman magsalita!
GIRL: bakit , politiko ka ba?
MAN: hindi , kawatan!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: pare , hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi , buti pa kayo ,
dinig
ko humihiyaw ka ng "1 , 2 , 3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama .
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng
BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw , tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Quiapo Church :
MRS: Lord , bigyan ninyo ako ng P1 , 000 kasi anak ko na sa
hospital.
Narinigng pulis , naawa , binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord , next time huwag padaan sa pulis , nabawasan agad
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Ano ang saging na mataba? Saba
Ano ang sa ging na maliit? Senorita
Ano ang saging na sinusubo pati balat? It begins with T.
Esep-esep. Sirit na? ..... Turon.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father , ang cute mo , bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
SPANISH
TEACHER: class , use FUERA in a sentence.
PUPIL: mi maestras son bonitas (all the teachers are beautiful)
TEACHER: oh , that's very flattering , but where's FUERA?
PUPIL: FUERA ka!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
DRIVER: saan galling?
PASSENGER: sa akin.
DRIVER: papunta saan?
PASSENGER: sayo
------------ -------- --------- --------- --------
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula ,
gusto ko , ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako , sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
----------- ---------- ------------ -- ------------ - ----
Job interview...
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira
ng misis mo , at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - ---------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto
niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!
------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - ---------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano , madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
Dalawang bank holdaper...
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math.
Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books..
Guro: Very good. Now , what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854
books?
Pilo: Ma'am , library po!
------------ - ------------ -- ------------ ----------- --
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
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.j0sh
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 7:03 pm

Haha...nice collection

But please move all the tagalog jokes to the talagog section. =)
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LaNcE
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 7:05 pm

wahaha!

very nice.. more!


@ian, edit, cut then paste to the tagalog section..
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LaNcE
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 7:19 pm

wrong password


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. "P....E....N....I....S.." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****
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LaNcE
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 7:22 pm

WORKING ON THE FOURTH HUSBAND

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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Anonymous


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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 7:24 pm

bwahahahaha!! i lamost fell off my chair too!
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Jay
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyTue Jun 23, 2009 9:49 pm

beware of mushrooms guys.. specially you ian..
you might get a gift mushrooms from the past lol
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyWed Jun 24, 2009 12:11 am

lol! lol!
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street_sweeper
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyWed Jun 24, 2009 12:17 am

whahahahh lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyWed Jun 24, 2009 6:11 am

blum3 :cyclops: blum3 blum3 blum3
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyWed Jun 24, 2009 11:57 am

nyhahahahaha! jay! better stay off from mushrooms then! hahahaha! scratch
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Jay
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyWed Jun 24, 2009 3:43 pm

yup mushrooms from hell man..
no pizzas for you then clown
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PostSubject: Re: Comedy Central (English)   Comedy Central (English) EmptyWed Jun 24, 2009 7:05 pm

whaaaaaaaa!!!!! no pizzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaa!!! laughing laughing laughing
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